Doesn’t this word sound made up? I saw it for the first time ever in this week’s New Yorker, in a Talk of the Town piece by John Cassidy, in which he described the recent rash of Wall Street calamities as an “epizootic in the financial markets.” I assumed he was making some kind of perverse pun, implying that the world of finance is a “zoo,” when in reality he was using a real word with the Latinate root “zo” to metaphorically imply that the world of finance is full of sick animals. This came to light along with the unfortunate realization that the word is not pronounced “ep-ə-’zoo-tik” but rather “ep-ə-zə-’wa-tik.” Of course, as was the case with the word “meatus,” I don’t expect the truth to have much bearing on how I will be pronouncing the word in the future.

Unfortunately, this word is pronounced /mi’etəs/ (à la Merriam-Webster, mE-’A-t&s) and not /’mitəs/ (M-W: ‘mE-t&s), the way it would if I were king, or alternatively, if the world was a South Park cartoon. “Meatus” comes from the same root as “permeate,” the Latin meare, meaning go, pass, etc., and the standard pronunciation reflects that. This, of course, hasn’t stopped me from pronouncing it /’mitəs/, both out loud and in my head, and I encourage you to hear it that way for the rest of this blog post and, subesequently, your life.

“Meatus” is a medical term, and crops up naturally in such magnificent phrases as superior meatus, middle meatus, and inferior meatus, but most often, it’s found in the noun phrase “urinary meatus,” meaning the opening of the urethra at the tip of the penis or in the vulva. This explains why the Google ads that show up on Merriam-Webster’s definition of “meatus” include the following:

Circumcision
Talk To Other Moms And Get Advice On Circumcision & More.
www.CafeMom.com

Avoid circumcision
Effective home treatment for tight foreskin. No surgery, no doctors
www.glansie.com

Bladder Problems?
Find Bladder Help Here! Frequent Urination, Incontinence
Health.MySearchisOver.com/bladder

Male Incontinence Clamp
Male Urinary Control Device Stay Dry, wear a “MIC” Free Trial
www.ppstop.com

What’s really nice about “meatus,” though, is that it’s fundamentally all-purpose. “Shut your meatus” is not only fun to say, but accurate and meaningful. “Show me your meatus” sounds dirty, but could be satisfied by simply exposing one’s ear. “Shove it in my meatus” is what you do with wedding cake — and NO, not in a Ray Smuckles kind of way (SFW).

Watch out, though, friend, because inappropriate uses of “meatus” do exist, namely those thought up by vegans.