culturesmart (v.): to surprise, impress, or stand out by expressing unexpected knowledge.

The Brooklyn Public Library has launched a very limited subway advertising campaign that has plastered billboards in Brooklyn subway stations with ads that feature the above definition. It is accompanied by the following usage guidance:

e.g., Uncle Mel wanted to choose the best quality time with his niece, so Shirley culturesmarted, “The names for Snow White’s dwarves were chosen from 50 possibilities; rejected titles included Awful, Flabby and Loser.”

And now, with your kind indulgence, I will enumerate the reasons this is an absolute embarrassment, a black eye and swollen lip to the otherwise stout reputation of the proud Brooklyn Public Library system.

1. The nonce word “culturesmart,” which the ad genii cut from whole cloth, is a compound of a noun and an adjective that are being unceremoniously impressed into service as a verb. There’s nothing inherently wrong with writers appropriating certain parts of speech to function as others (though, as Calvin once said, “Verbing weirds language”), but to create a new word, cram a definition down our throats, AND force us to bend our minds around non-standard grammar is uncouth and reeks of hubris, particularly because…
2. “Culturesmart” goes against compound creation norms. It is borne out by the lexicon that compound words take on the part of speech of the latter word; thus “minibike” is a noun, “streetwise” is an adjective, and “skydive” is a verb. This is a pretty basic rule, and “culturesmart” sounds as though it could be a fairly natural adjective; were little Shirley to have demonstrated how culturesmart she was by listing rejected dwarf names…well, she would fail, but at least the description would not be so surprisingly jarring. I say surprisingly because…
3. This is an advertisement for a LIBRARY. It’s one thing if this campaign had gone up for, I dunno, an immigrant assimilation class or a handheld device made by a company with a capital letter in the middle of its name, but no — it’s marketing for a place where people go to check out and (hopefully) read books. Books written in English, mostly. A library’s clientele consists of smart, literate people, and while the point of the ad is to draw in a larger market share of (presumably) less smart, less literate people, it’s important that the institution stand as an exemplar of high standards. This faux pas is only further heightened by the fact that…
4. The definition is wrong. The admen who represent the BPL were at liberty to define this atrocity however they see fit, and they managed to screw it up. If “culturesmart” really meant “to stand out by expressing unexpected knowledge,” then why would the word “culture” be a part of the compound? Why not just appropriate “smart” as a verb and have done with it? No no, what the writers of this troubled copy meant was “to stand out by expressing unexpected knowledge about culture,” and that omission, right at the top of the sign, begins the inexorable march towards tragedy, seeing as…
5. The whole ad doesn’t even make any (fucking) sense! “So” in the context of “so Shirley culturesmarted” means either “with the result that” or “therefore.” In what universe and under what horrific family conditions does Uncle Mel wanting to choose the best quality time with his niece cause little Shirley to spout some stupid fucking bullshit fact or factoid about Snow White’s goddamn dwarves? What has Uncle Mel (or his truly terrifying alter-ego, Aunt Melinda) done to Shirley to cause her to blurt out such nonsense merely because he has a want? And even if we give the copywriters the benefit of the doubt and grant that Shirley was probably dropping Mel a little hint on what she’d like to do,
1. (a) what kind of a crappy hint is that? “Hey, that’s wonderful, sweetie. So, you want to go…dwarf tossing?”
2. (b) how does this lead people to the Brooklyn Public Library? To be fair, I don’t really remember what the rest of the ad said — it wasn’t terribly interesting — but the takeaway message from all of this is clearly “Brooklyn Public Library: For All of Your Fictitious Dwarf Needs,” which, quite frankly, in an era in which grown men and women wait in line at bookstores to buy novels about teenagers in wizardry school, would be pretty damn effective. Brooklyn Public Library, call me. Let me take you away from all this.