escutcheon (n.): 1 a : a defined area on which armorial bearings are depicted, marshaled, or displayed usually consisting of a shield or something made to resemble a shield — see DEXTER 2, SINISTER; compare BASE, CHIEF, FESS, LOZENGE, NAVEL, NOMBRIL, POINT

Escutcheon is a word that comes from heraldry, a bizarre, obscure subject that I happened to wander into on Wikipedia a few days ago. Heraldry is the art, science, and practice related to coats of arms, and it’s so much more complicated than I could possibly have imagined. Apparently, all coats of arms are defined by their “blazons,” the formal description of the coat which uses a specific sequence of terms and technical verbiage used to define each color (of which there can be only seven, and each of which has its own French or faux-French name), each “charge” or image on the shield, the animals or what have you that support the shield on each side, the motto, etc. etc. The idea is that from the blazon, the image of the coat of arms can always be produced by someone who knows how to interpret the description. For a simple coat, the description is basic: For example, “Azure a bend Or” produces this coat:

“Azure” being the heraldic code for “blue,” “bend” meaning “a line from top left to bottom right,” and “Or” being French for “gold.” Easy enough, right? Well, the Royal Arms of the United Kingdom looks like this:

Which is blazoned as follows:

Quarterly, first and fourth Gules three lions passant gardant in pale Or armed and langued Azure (for England), second quarter Or a lion rampant within a double tressure flory-counter-flory Gules (for Scotland), third quarter Azure a harp Or stringed Argent (for Ireland), the whole surrounded by the Garter; for a Crest, upon the Royal helm the imperial crown Proper, thereon a lion statant gardant Or imperially crowned Proper; for Supporters, dexter a lion rampant gardant Or crowned as the Crest, sinister a unicorn Argent armed, crined and unguled Proper, gorged with a coronet Or composed of crosses patée and fleurs de lis a chain affixed thereto passing between the forelegs and reflexed over the back also Or. Motto ‘Dieu et mon Droit’ in the compartment below the shield, with the Union rose, shamrock and thistle engrafted on the same stem.

Shit is fucking ridiculous. Anyway, the escutcheon is the shield part of a coat of arms, specifically, without which there is no coat of arms. What’s so fascinating about this word, though, is that it’s been generalized to refer to other things shaped like a shield — most specifically, “escutcheon” is a medical term meaning “the configuration of adult pubic hair.” Apparently, the male escutcheon comes to a point at the top, near the navel, whereas the female is flat at the top. A diagnosis of hirsutism in women can be determined in part by a woman having a male escutcheon — at least, that’s how I interpret this. I can only assume the Queen is thrilled.