The third entry in our series on obscure conceptual body parts is “weenis,” which is a useless word for a useless appurtenance. Exhibit A:

“Weenis” strikes me as peculiar linguistically because it sounds like it should be a euphemism for “penis” or a penis-related insult. (Compare “weener,” “weenie,” “willis.”) It’s pretty clear from Google results and Urban Dictionary¹ entries that penis-related senses are roundly denigrated, though, and that to say someone has a “skinny weenis” is in fact not a jab at his manhood but rather a redundancy.

If I may, I’d like to posit a new taxonomy of useless organs. They seem to fall into two categories: the vestigial and the corollary. The appendix, for instance, is vestigial: where once it may have contained bacteria or enzymes to digest cellulose, now it serves mostly to trap errant morsels of fecal matter and to potentially kill you. Body hair, too, is vestigial; it kept us warm before man invented The Gap, and now it serves mostly to attract or repel potential suitors and to, well, trap errant morsels of fecal matter.

The weenis, though, is particularly amusing because at no time did it serve any purpose unto itself. Though I’ve never had a weenis accident, I can imagine instances where it might actually be evolutionarily disadvantageous to have a weenis: for instance, if you are being pursued by a predator which bites you on the weenis, causing it to stretch behind you, slow your momentum, and allow it to overtake and kill you. Alternatively, you might get your weenis slammed in a car door, which would be extremely painful and might cause bleeding that might lead to your untimely demise. If humans had no weenises, neither of these needless deaths would have taken place.

The weenis only exists because the fact of having an elbow that bends close to 160º necessitates a lot of skin to cover said elbow, and when the elbow is extended, that shit’s all just wrinkled and illin’. This is why the weenis is a corollary useless organ: the human body would be more efficient without the weenis, but ultimately, the pros of the elbow’s existence outweigh the cons of the weenis’. Hence the weenis. Perhaps it’s telling that I can’t think of any other examples of corollary useless organs and therefore my taxonomy is invalid, but I think the opportunity to use the word “weenis” so many times justifies the effort. In closing, weenis weenis weenis weenis, weenis weenis weenis weenis weenis weenis.

¹Note that I am in no way saying that Urban Dictionary represents an authoritative usage guide to slang, as the corpus has been known to be profoundly wrong (cf. hebro).