behymen (n.): the symbolic representation of anal virginity

Welcome to Obscure Conceptual Body Part Week here at Maybe Tomorrow–Probably Not! We’ve got an exciting lineup that our writing staff has been mulling ever since about half an hour ago, when I dropped “behymen” in casual conversation. Supposedly there is a growing trend among young trophy wives of wealthy professional types to have hymen repair surgery prior to their nuptials. This presumably offers their grooms the experience of deflowering them — complete with bloodied hotel sheets, I suppose — without all that pesky pre-marital abstinence.

LB comments, “…why not just take their ass, though?” And right she is. My only theory is that to ignorant, stuck-up bitches readying themselves for a life of pampering and sexual servitude, a hymenoplasty seems like a purification and rebirth, a return to a more innocent state from which they can give themselves wholly unto their greedy, fascist, American Psycho sugardaddies. Taking it in the butt, on the other hand, must seem positively undignified compared to radical vadge surgery.

Let it be known, ladies, that this is not true. First off, if your man is worth a damn, he’d rather not parse the veritable shitstorm of psychiatric ailments suggested by a desire to restore your vagina to its pre-adolescent state. Secondly, nothing is less dignified than an elective genital procedure. If you take nothing else from this post, please remember that, this Valentine’s day, give the gift that keeps on giving: the gift of the behymen.